Contentment versus Complacency

I've been contemplating contentment versus complacency today.

I've been frustrated by the culture here so much recently because of this very concept. People want to call complacency being content.

Now let me be clear, I think there is a fine line to walk between these two concepts. As a believer, I want to allow God to continue to refine me to being content when it comes to the blessings He has given me. I want to grow in recognizing those and having a thankful heart each day (that is something that I could use  a lot of work in). However, I do not want to EVER EVER become complacent when it comes to how I use my time, and basically, my life.

I feel that this is a culture that, for the most part, stresses "contentment" in a lot of situations where what they are actually doing is being complacent. Please also hear me when I say this issue is not specific to China, it's global, a struggle for all of mankind. But there are some things, societally, that reinforce this among people.

People thinking I am strange to want to adopt children...I should be "content" to just have my own. People thinking I am strange to still feel so deeply disturbed by injustices around me and all over the world "what can you do about it?". In a country where speaking out against oppression and injustice is STILL not welcomed in the least, I have been frustrated because sometimes I feel so powerless to do anything. I am, and always will be, a foreigner in this place. I miss the diversity of the States right now, because even though things are far, far from perfect...I've never faced persecution from the law for trying to change things (although you might face persecution from other people).

It makes me want to cry sometimes how little people seem to know or care about the rest of the world, and little is being done with the education system here to remedy that. I know that this is a problem in the U.S. too, but it seems that 99% of my students here have no clue about the world....

I guess my point is that I am tired of feeling pressure from Chinese family members to just "settle down, stop caring about radical ideas, and focus on "好好过日子“ （a term that I have come to detest, it means "spend the day well" and what is usually meant by it is make sure you cook 3 perfect meals and clean your house all day). Even from our Christian family members this doesn't seem to translate to spending time reading the Bible, in prayer, or helping people in need. If we do not sit home all day cooking and cleaning we are believed to be wasting our day.

These are jumbled up thoughts, but the strangled cry of my heart today is one of frustration at a world where people are content to work, cook, and never leave their hometown until they die, taking with them not one single thing or memory of value....and I'm frustrated because I feel like I've bought into that too recently....feeling content to stay home, have morning sickness, and sometimes cook. Sigh.

My Proactive List

So, one of my primary concerns for our unexpectedly long stint in the U.S. (due to needing to leave China earlier than planned, and thus just stay there until the baby is born), has been how my husband will feel. I understand cultural difficulties, and how you miss things from home, and of course, a big bummer for him will be that he can't work because he will be on a visitor visa.

So, I have been brainstorming fun things to do and ways he can get involved and use his time to avoid feeling useless and bored.

Here's what I have come up with so far:
-Chinese church. We are both Christians, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that San Antonio has a couple of Chinese churches...he can go to fellowship in Mandarin, and maybe even get involved in volunteering.
-Animal shelters. We are both dog lovers, and are going to be missing our puppies, so I want to do some volunteer work with our local humane society.
-Teaching/tutoring Chinese. Namely, I want him to formally tutor me...I haven't formally studied at all since last year, and that will be a good use of time.
-Encouraging him to use 100% Mandarin when speaking with me (in China we use a mix of Chinese and English at home, and actually while he speaks Mandarin to me fairly frequently I usually speak English because I am so tired of speaking, reading, translating, and typing Mandarin at work all day). So this will be a way for him to keep from feeling too isolated while having to use English with everyone else (and allow us to have private conversations more easily since we don't know that many Mandarin speakers in our part of Texas, haha).
-Making him finish some parenting/baby books.
-Cooking. We both like trying new food and learning to cook, and honestly, the U.S. is more conducive to this than the area of China we live in).
-Letting him handle the volume of requests we get to bring back foreign products for people (maybe we can make some money off of that this time...haha). Although if one more person asks me to bring back an Apple product for them, I might scream!

Let me know if you guys have any great ideas!!

Cultural Bitterness

I used to have the reputation of being "that China girl"...and honestly....when it comes right down to it...I'm not. I had no interest in China prior to coming here "by accident" the first time, and the thing that drew me back was friendships with Chinese people, and not necessarily an inherent draw to the culture or country itself.

Now I'm married to a Chinese man and have lived here consecutively for over 3 years (it having been over 6 years since my first visit to China). And just as I have no desire to be "the girl who loves America" I don't really have a desire to be "the girl who loves China" either. I want to be "the girl who loves people" but if we are being completely honest...I am dealing with some bitterness towards China and the culture here.

I can recognize in myself that I am reacting to stressful situations, many of which are not universally found in China (although some are) by blaming the culture around me.

My hard reality right now is that China has not made it easy for someone in my situation to make a life. Bringing me to my next announcement in case you haven't heard...I'M PREGNANT! Yay, but anyways....

Right now life for us feels like work hard all year so we can spend all the money on the inevitable visa run that I will have to do. Due to changing work situations, changing visa laws, the inability to change to a marriage visa in my city....life for us is pretty rough in terms of trying to make things work.

I want to be someone who responds to adversity with determination (sometimes I do), but in the midst of cultural stress which stems from many sources, I'm not doing so well.

Don't get me wrong, there are cultural stresses for me (and my husband) in America too (more about that later perhaps). But faced with leaving my doggies (my fur babies) and going to America penniless to work my butt off while pregnant to save the money for our return tickets to China with hopefully some sort of visa in hand, is really frustrating me right now.

In addition, some situations with my paycheck, neighbors, and the ever-present bitchy mother-in-law situation (sorry, I'm calling it as is) have really caused me to resent life here right now. And as I don't intend to leave my baby with crazy mother-in-law (which is what most Chinese parents do), this will further complicate our situation. Because many families in the U.S. do without dual incomes, but it is becoming more and more unheard of in China (and honestly, my foreign face is a great asset work-wise).

All of these situations and a few more are causing us to lean towards moving our family to the U.S...more on that in the future though. This trip to America will be our testing ground to pray about what is the right step for our little family.

Trying to get into that more peaceful frame of mind (especially since I'm pregnant)
Praying through it, and grateful that I have a mostly sweet (hehe) Chinese man to help me sort it all through.

Visa Laws

Visa laws in China are ever-changing, and ever-frustrating for those of us who really desire to do thing legally, but still live a normal life.

When I first came to China, the frustration was being a student with no means of supporting myself (you aren't allowed to have even a part-time job while on a student visa, and likewise aren't supposed to study on a work visa).

Now the frustration comes because I am married to a Chinese husband and preparing for parenthood (no, not pregnant yet as far as I know, just preparing some for that part of our future).
When I have the baby, I still want to be able to help support our family, but won't have the ability to work the amount that is required to maintain a work visa. I do not intend to do the Chinese "leave the baby with grandma" thing....for obvious reasons, and some perhaps not so obvious reasons. I could get a marriage visa, but you can't legally work at all on a marriage visa, and I heard that with the new law, the visa is only 6 months and you have to do the whole leave the country every two months thing....the same as a typical tourist visa. Soooo....yeah, somehow magically come up with the funds to do that while not being allowed to work? And make that journey (most likely across the border to Mongolia) with an infant? No thank you....



Sigh. After being married 5 years I have the chance to apply for a green card, but from everything I've heard, the chances of actually being given one are very, very slim.

Does anyone have any information/advice/thoughts?

Sexual Harassment in China

I first came to China in 2007, and for several years after that during my time in China, I never felt unsafe, even walking down the street at night by myself (perhaps unwise regardless, but anyways).

But in the past year or two, perhaps coinciding with seeing a bit more sexually explicit advertising and even films, it seems like I've experienced it more than ever before...and it's not just me...news stories have been cropping up saying the same thing...sexual harassment and rape are on the rise in China.

Just last night, I was walking home with my Korean friend after dinner (we live in the same apartment complex). We were both dressed cute, but definitely not provocatively, however, it was dark outside. As we neared the road crossing by our apartment, a black car stopped in front of us. I walked around it....the car drove alongside us again, then stopped, blocking our path again. The windows rolled down and I saw it was a car full of young guys, about my age, who openly hung their heads out the window, making suggestive gestures and catcalls.

Now, to illustrate some more slight cultural differences between my friend and I, she appeared shocked and was freaked out, looking down (in my experience, my Korean friends are not very confrontational...soft-spoken and well-mannered). I, in all my fiery American glory, flipped them off with a venomous look. Suddenly, the one guy's face changed, angry obviously that I would dare to do that. He looked like he was gonna come out of the car, so I grabbed my friend's arm and we hurried across the street to the safety of shops and groups of people. "Fucking bastards." I not so eloquently sputtered, while my sweet friend murmured "aiyo, so rude!" But it actually shook me up...it felt like something that would happen in downtown San Antonio, not the streets of Inner Mongolia.

My hubby if course freaked out when he heard that "You should have called me!"
Needless to say, with several stories in recent times coming out about foreign girls being raped, it's no longer safe to walk the streets of my town in the evenings, which is sad. 

While gun violence is still, of course, nonexistent compared to the United States, unfortunately other types of crime are on the rise...China is not the innocent place they used to pretend to be....

Am I a model?

The answer to that? Definitely not. Not tall enough (although I'm pretty tall in China if I wear heels), small boobs that disappear if I lay down flat, and wide hips. Slightly strange facial features that make my nationality indeterminable (that can be a plus in some ways).

But, as many foreigners have experienced, in China you can be many things that you might not otherwise have an opportunity to be.
So, I am now a "freelance model" haha. I got a second job offer lined up, so this is now my spare time way to bring in some extra money.

I didn't love the experience, honestly, but I prefer it to teaching kids. My husband loves modeling, performing, and basically anything related to that, and he was openly jealous that I got another call back to model for the photography studio. I'd give him the chance any day, because he is much more of a natural than me and really wants to do it. But hey, makes for more good stories and funny photos for me. :-)

 

If you are facebook friends with me you probably saw these shots, along with others, accompanied by humorous captions (because really, the whole experience was rather humorous...the poses they wanted seemed so odd to me).

Anyhow, this brings me to another topic...beauty in China.
Honestly, I feel like there are SO many beautiful women in China (and their feet are all smaller than mine). I feel insecure around them sometimes. But then other times, China can give you a bit of an ego boost to make up for it. They love my white skin and big eyes, even my nose (which I think is weird). I get compliments on my figure a lot (even though I hate it).

As many women have lamented over the years, why can't we be comfortable in our own skins? Chinese women often spend money on products to make their skin whiter, when I love their tans. They wear strange, fake looking eye contacts and try to make their eyes appear larger when their narrow, Asian eyes are so exotic and beautiful to many of us foreigners. I LOVE black hair, and yet many of my friends prefer to dye it.

As I've grown older, of course, I've learned to embrace the things about myself I like, and try to find some positives even about the things I hate.

-My feet are big (and I can't find shoes here a lot of times) and I can share shoes with my hubby. ha
-My boobs are small, but my back doesn't hurt, and most shirts will fit me
-My hips are big, but they are good for balancing things on and will be good baby-making hips. ha

For my dear Chinese friends, I hope to remind them too that so many foreigners think they are beautiful just as they are...I personally think all my friends are SO cute!

Changing Focuses

Change is part of life, and living overseas tends to accelerate some changes.

I was thinking a while ago about some ways my personal philosophies, politics, and beliefs have changes since living overseas. While living overseas definitely broadens your horizons and can in many ways expand your worldview, it's not just that you accept more positive things about the foreign culture you are immersed in, you also notice the negatives, of course, and appreciate things that are right in other parts of the world.

For example, two ways I have found myself morphing are in the areas of feminism and environmentalism. In the U.S., I wouldn't consider myself rabidly feminist, nor would I consider myself a person consumed with issues of the environment....but living in China, I've found myself focusing more on precisely those issues.

I've always been a feminist, of course, in that I definitely believe in the equal rights of women (not raising ourselves up in a "better than men" way, or a way that puts men down). In China though, perhaps I've found myself more on the receiving end of some traditional ways of thinking that still hold men up as more important than women (aka serve the men first, you have to do this it's a "woman's job", etc.) Granted, China is pretty progressive with women's rights when compared to many other countries and cultures, but there are still remnants of extremely traditional/detrimental ways of thinking.

And environmental issues? Animal rights? I've become extremely vocal about these issues here, because there is a total lack of respect for the environment and the beauty of nature here (Note: some cities are better than others, and some people are concerned with these things, but, in general, I've found China very much behind in these areas).
Part of this really comes from genuine love for China...they have/HAD so many beautiful gifts of nature, and it is a shame to see them disrespected, neglected, and destroyed.

What do you think? Expats, what are some areas you've found yourself becoming more of an advocate for since moving overseas?

The Hawaii of China...Sanya

For our recent honeymoon trip, we decided to go to Sanya...a beach city in China's southernmost island province, Hainan.

It actually sees most of its tourism during the winter months when people look to escape the cold (and have long Spring Festival breaks from work/school). When we went it was the rainy season, but in spite of seeing some rain nearly everyday, it wasn't too heavy and would stop and leave plenty of time for sunshine, warmth, and sunbathing. Also, I liked that it wasn't too crowded.
While the claim that it is like Hawaii might be stretching it, it was lovely, and for China, clean.
We stayed in a Honeymoon suite at the TianFuYuan Resort, and got a really good bargain on that because it's the off season.

(view from our room...the resort was older but had a nice pool, and you can see the ocean!)

If you are thinking of visiting Sanya, here are a few tips:
-at your hotel, ask for a room above the 4th floor...always a better view of the sea
-you can take the little buggy taxis around for cheap...always bargain and ask for a few kuai cheaper than what they tell you, but they won't rip you off too bad.
-DON'T go to the seafood restaurants that they recommend (because they get a commission). Our experience with that was that it was RIDICULOUSLY overpriced, and not really good. We ended up eating street food seafood, and it was fabulous, and only a third of the cost for a really filling, delicious bunch of dishes.

(delicious roast fish)

-If you want to go scuba diving (which was cool, although not spectacular, and definitely a beginners outing), ask a buggy driver...they have connections that you can bargain them down to 280 for the whole excursion, whereas going directly to the dive place will cost you upwards of 550...and is definitely not worth that much.
-eat lots of fresh fruit and veggies! The huge, fresh mangos are to die for, and coconuts are so fresh and good!

(the best mango I have ever eaten, bought off a fruit lady at the beach)

Interestingly, most of the foreigners that visit Sanya are Russian, so if there is a second language in Sanya, it's Russian, not English. Also, the Mandarin spoken there is kind of hard to understand...the accent somewhat resembles a cross between a Taiwanese accent and a Cantonese speaker pronouncing Mandarin poorly. They will often leave the "r" off of words like "shi" or "chi". Even my husband had difficulty understanding them, and the local language is indecipherable. Sounds somewhat like a cross between Thai/Cantonese?

Also, if you are an expat that resides in a part of China with very few Westerners/Western food, you can enjoy some international cuisine...there is a great Thai restaurant, and a good Italian one as well!

Anyways, it was a wonderful vacation, and coming from the northernmost part of China to the southernmost was so enjoyable...the climate was wonderful...my dry hair and sick lungs didn't want to leave!

 

 



Baby Fever

Ok, I am admitting it....we have baby fever. My husband has had baby fever for a long time, and early in our dating relationship discussed how much he was looking forward to having kids together. I really don't know how I got on board with the whole thing, I feel like my uterus is overpowering my personality recently. I am that person who always swore that you shouldn't even be thinking about kids during your first year of marriage....but....we've been talking about it. Not because we're necessarily planning on getting pregnant NOW, but because we want an overall game plan (also, my husband just turned 29, or 30 by Chinese age calculations...he has started feeling old, hehe). There are a lot of things to figure out before having kids, and double that with a cross-cultural kid...which country will it be a citizen of? Which country should it grow up in? Which language will who speak when and in which environment? etc. etc. Adoption is of course still very important to me, but still have years until I am eligible to adopt from most countries.

 

 

Anyways....my concession that we should start preparing has been that we've both been doing some reading (see above photo). I should note that my husband was extremely excited that I bought a pregnancy/baby book to read, and then I found the book in the photo above (Chinese translation of the book "Dad's Pregnant Too" 爸爸也怀孕) and said if I was going to read, he needed to as well (he is not much of a reader, but he promptly began looking through it....and turned to the chapter dealing with Having Sex While Pregnant...yep, typical guy ).

Life Ain't Always Rosy

Another rough time has come upon us....the only way I can describe this past year is that it feels like you are standing near the ocean and a huge wave crashes down, sweeps you under...you manage to stand again for a moment before another comes down again.

Our relationship has been plagued by doubt, misunderstandings, stresses, and attacks. And one of those things that has been a HUGE added stresser is still my husband's mother.

I am a normally gentle person, but I don't stand for people bullying myself or others, and she has started trying to reassert her power to control us again. Contrary to what you might think, or what she tries to say, this is not a foreigner-Chinese thing....even Chinese friends we have consulted say she is acting insane.

While I always knew living in close proximity to my mother-in-law wouldn't be a great idea, it took a bunch of unfortunate incidents for my husband to also realize this wouldn't work. And yesterday another thing happened. We had been planning to move already, but were hoping to have a bit more time to settle in to married life and me to get back into my work routine before we also added that to the plate.

Yesterday's incident involved her coming upstairs unexpectedly (we didn't know she had a key) and berating me for not coming to see her since we got back from our post-wedding trip to Beijing. I told her calmly that I had been sick, and that we had been taking some time for just the two of us....she blew up, going on and on about all the money she had "given" us, which I again said I would return because it obviously wasn't really a gift, and how we have a duty to the family. She then started listing all of my faults, and said I didn't even give their relatives cake after the wedding (nevermind that it was midnight when the relatives came over, I was exhausted because it was my WEDDING DAY after all, and cake was the last thing on my mind...especially since everyone had said it was sweet and I figured the older Chinese wouldn't eat it.

The conversation ended with my husband coming in (he'd been walking the dog) and throwing her out after saying that she couldn't act like this and we were going to move.
After another round of screaming in my face, I told her that I wasn't planning on seeing her again, which, for now, is the sad truth.

In my already stressed, fragile emotional stress, I need boundaries, and there are some people that suck life and joy from those around them...bitter people that are toxic unless you get away.

Anyways, prayers appreciated because we are so so worn out during what is supposed to be a special newlywed time for us.

Chinese Wedding Morning

 (my bridesmaid and I)

 ("who is it?"

 (my groom giving me flowers)

 (heehee)

 (the hotel A.C. wasn't working so well, haha, sweaty)

Ok, so ignore the fact that I look puffy and exhausted in these photos (two hours of sleep the night before...eeee)....these photos (stolen from my parents camera) show the progression of events when the groom comes to "fetch" the bride on the wedding morning.

We rented a hotel room that served as my "home" for Xiao Long to fetch me from...when the groom and his accompanying friends/family arrive, my bridesmaid refused to let him in, playing all sorts of tricks and jokes like making him sing, do pushups, answer questions, and then give "hong bao" (red envelopes with money inside) before she finally let him in. I really enjoyed that aspect of the Chinese wedding...more to follow!

Wedding Planning

And now I present: Things I am sad that I have found it necessary to say when planning a wedding in China.

-Please don't play Whitney Houston/Titanic soundtrack/Star Wars theme music
-Please don't play the above so loudly that no wedding guests can talk
-Please do not hire any performers to lip sync, dance poorly, or fake play an instrument
-Please do not blow bubbles and confetti on me when I walk down the aisle
-Please do not allow the MC to wear a bad 70s suit or talk like a radio announcer
-Please do not allow anyone to wish me the birth of a son soon
-Please have microphones ready for our vows since the majority of people will probably talk through them

So, one week to go and I hope it turns out semi-classy. haha. Because in my experience, I have yet to attend a Chinese wedding that wasn't like being in a bad disco club. haha

Chinese Pre-Wedding Pics

Wedding photos in China are a big deal....in that they are an all-day, multiple outfit affair. We got ours done at one of the higher end photo studios, and it was fun, but exhausting. The results we are pretty pleased with, although we did ask them to tone down some of the major cheese that sometimes is the Chinese preferred style. Plus I liked my makeup artist/hair stylist and will use her for my wedding day, yay!

 

 

The one I chose as a wallet print (because I like the sillier side of life, haha). My hubby hates this picture actually, but I think it's fun!

 

 

(This is the one we chose for the giant framed picture they give us, haha)

 

(one from our outdoor shoot in the park)

 

 

 

Anyways, along with the glamorous experience, haha, we also got a BUNCH of stuff...photo books, canvas prints, prints on glass, and even a crystal cube with our pictures in it..haha)

 

So, while some of the pics were decidedly different than American photography styles, it was fun and we are happy to have these shots!

Crazy Life

Sorry for the lack of posting recently...I promise to try to do better. Things have been so crazy...with Chinese family drama, wedding preparation, a trip to Beijing, a modeling job, more drama, and some randomness in between.

Anyhow, we got our engagement photos that we took in the States...many thanks to the wonderfully talented Lynn Purkiss for the gift of her beautiful photos! We are so looking forward to having her and her husband come to China for our wedding! You can see her work our under the name "Capture the Moment Photography".

Here is a look at some of them:

Wedding To-Dos

Well, wedding planning in China is not actually as involved as it can be in the States...after all, people tend to do the same thing...find a hotel, hire a wedding company, get some photos and clothes, show up and party with your guests.

For us, it's been a bit more complicated, because we hate the way wedding companies typically do things in China...so we have been seeking to do our own style Chinese-American, Christian wedding (also not that common here).

First, we wanted to find a place that wasn't the typical hideous banquet room with pillars idiotically placed throughout the room so that views of the proceedings are BLOCKED (I swear, 99% of rooms we looked at were like that).

It turns out, after desperately praying on the way home from yet another frustrating outing trying to secure a place, we stopped on a whim at a resort building shaped like a Mongolian yurt. I was skeptical, because, first of all, we aren't Mongolian, and the outside looked a bit cheesy. To our shock, the inside of the room was unique and very well designed. The sales rep told us it had been designed after a theater. Not too big, not too small..ideal really. AND right outside the door? The park with a great place to do the outdoor wedding vows part we had imagined. They had done it before too (outdoor weddings are almost unheard of here in Hohhot due to unpredictable weather and lack of suitable venues).
It's a tad bit expensive, but we are in the process of bargaining down (and whoring ourselves out as a Chinese-American international wedding that will bring their resort good publicity). Whew, huge relief.

Next up?

1) Arranging the details of the wedding...performers, who will do our vows, how to honor God through our proceedings and meld some Chinese traditions I love with American ones I treasure.

2) Wedding clothes. At Chinese weddings, the bride usually wears TWO dresses nowadays....a white one to greet guests (white Western-style), and a red one (Chinese tradition) to toast with guests in. So yes, I must find TWO perfect dresses....considering I will be wearing each for short periods of time, I don't want to pay much...but unfortunately many of the options here remind me of bad 80s prom dresses. Or Little Bo Peep.

3)Take the pre-wedding portraits. This usually entails dressing in really strange clothing, posing in really cheesy ways, and getting photos printed with random Chinglish or Korean characters on them. We did book some portraits, but asked to do most of ours outside, and without all the cheesy details. It should be interesting...they also gave us a slight discount because they had never photographed a foreigner/Chinese couple.

4) Figure out if we can afford a honeymoon at the time we have vacation this summer, and where is a place my husband can easily get a visa to (as an American, I can travel to most places easily...he, as a Chinese citizen, doesn't have the same luxury...so annoying).

5) Arrange things for all our foreigner guests! (that will be the fun part of planning)

All that to say, any ideas and suggestions welcome!

Married!

Well, after the last few slightly negative posts, I do have some happy news to share....we finally got our marriage certificate (结婚证) , which means we are now legally married!

We have been able to work a lot of things out, and after realizing I was suffering from a rather intense bout with depression, acknowledging, asking for help, and lots of prayer is helping me work through it...while getting the marriage certificate was a lot more mafan (trouble) than we expected and we had to deal with a minor incident involving corruption in the government office we needed to work with, everything worked out and we are happy to be officially married...now we are focusing on the rather last-minute planning of our celebration this summer!

 

(here it is! 9 yuan to get both our copies..haha)

 

The day after we got it, people started referring to my "husband" and he first introduced me to someone as his "妻子“ (wife). The whole thing has been confusing for all the foreigners who know us, who are unsure as to whether we are married now or will be married in July. The best answer? We are married now, and July is just the Chinese way of celebrating.

 

This whole getting married in China thing is waaaay different all around, through the whole process, than anything I expected when I was younger and thought of what my wedding would be like. But then, I never expected to meet a Chinese husband and live in China...never in a million years did I think that would happen actually....it wasn't on my radar. But I do love the fact that God always takes me to the most unexpected places, and while it has been far more challenging than I would have expected, I also consider myself unusually blessed.

 

So, while I will wear the pretty dresses and tell our story in front of family and friends in a couple of months, I'm grateful to be legally tied to the person I've already committed before God to. As my hubby happily mused today, "Our God is really amazing...to put us two out of the whole world together."

 

I'm thankful.



Crazy M-I-L

Well, while I thought things had settled into a relatively good, if slightly annoying, relationship with my mother-in-law, things took a turn when she basically went off the deep end last night and sent me a couple of reallllllly mean text messages. All because my fiance and I are trying to figure out what to do about the dog (and yes, arguing about it).

She said a LOT of things, among them were that I was bullying her son by having a dog, and that it wasn't clean, and that I didn't clean the house enough (we clean like every day), and that I don't use my  my time well every day (never mind that I have a job and relationships that I try to invest in, or that I just bought her son a motorbike with my salary so that he could go find a job more conveniently). And that, by Chinese standards, I was bad.

She uses the fact that we're both Christians as an excuse to say things "because it's because she cares" when in fact it's none of her business. In fact, she just wants things to be her way. In my opinion, it's because she doesn't have a job, or even a hobby, and all that's left for her to do is sit around and worry about everything.

Anyways, prayer and advice appreciated. I basically gave my fiance an ultimatum last night, which is, if he wants the relationship to work, we need to sell this house that is right upstairs from her and move somewhere else. ....

Rough Times

As anyone who spends time as an expat in China for a long period of time will probably confess, there are "bad China days". Now, probably only my fellow long-term expats will be able to relate with precision to what I'm talking about, but I'll try my best to explain it for everyone.

Basically, it's a time when you may feel burned out on your life in China. Events can trigger or worsen the feeling.

Even on a good day, life in China is at least ten times more complicated for an expat than life in their own home culture is. From the  constant staring (if you live outside of a big city like Beijing or Shanghai), stupid comments that you may hear if you can understand Chinese, or just the inconvenience of living in a country that is still less developed than many Western countries...there are many things that can be very tiring about living in China.

PAUSE: I am NOT writing this post to bash China...there are sooooo many things I love about China.....but on a day when you feel overwhelmed or hurt, unfortunately allllll the negative thoughts may come flooding through your brain.

Anyways....I've been having a series of bad China days for the past month...trying very hard to break out of them by appreciating my dear Chinese friends and all the things I love about China...but the truth is, I haven't felt like writing because I've felt so discouraged and just plain tired of being here.

It's been added to by the pressures of starting my new job (which is a pretty good job, just a lot of frustrations with dealing with the administration at the school), and some struggles my fiance and I are having.

It's been really multiplied the past few days because unfortunately while I've been busy with my new job, my dog has also started shedding...there is dog hair everywhere no matter how much we sweep, and now my fiance's family is giving pressure for me to get rid of the dog. To be honest, as much as I appreciate his family, I am SICK of living upstairs from them, and really sick of traditional society to be honest.

(sign at my school)

As an independent Christian American woman, I feel like I have so many things in life that I worry about more than housework, my appearance, or when I will have a baby....but it seems to be all anyone else can talk about.

I do realize that I am overreacting, and that people ask about those things because it's all they know to talk about, and a lot of people are genuinely anxious for us to have a baby (although that will not be influencing my timing AT ALL...we aren't even officially married yet people!).

For those of you who have lived abroad, how do you handle those days when all you want to do is run home?

Adoption

I had a hard day yesterday...for several reasons I was feeling sensitive already, and I was very discouraged by a conversation with my m-i-l after brunch...we were sitting around, and after giving me a lecture on all the precautions I needed to take while pregnant/after giving birth (SIDENOTE: I AM NOT PREGNANT, AND I AM NOT PLANNING TO BE IN THE NEAR FUTURE), she said (as many do), "Have a son and a daughter....that will be perfect. How many children do you want Julie?"

Ignoring how stupid I find the comment "have one son and one daughter", I answered I'd like to have two and adopt two...four kids. My fiance and I have discussed this in depth, were seemingly on the same page. When I first shared with him the passion God has given me for adopting children who need a home, he said admiringly, "all my ex-girlfriends ever cared about was what they were going to wear or eat or do for fun".

Anyhow, when I shared this with my m-i-l, she was not particularly supportive...taking care of orphans in general, she is supportive of, as a Christian, but the concept of adoption if you are able to have your own kids is still a bit new in China, and seen as strange, especially by the older generation.

A few of the incredibly dumb things she said:
"Just give money to help poor people. That's doing enough." I then gamely tried to explain that this is something I feel God desires us to do, and that if all the self-professing Christians would take God's charge to care for orphans seriously, there wouldn't be any more orphans. I also told her point-blank that adoption is especially needed in China, where many orphanages are awful places.

She also said
"Such mafan....you have to feed them, clothe them, give them a place to live...."
At that point I left to go drink tea and journal....couldn't listen anymore...I wasn't angry, just frustrated with how ignorant and small-minded the things she was saying were....after all, what a stupid thing to say....adopting children means they ARE your kids, of course you feed them, clothe them, give them a place to live...same as you would children we gave birth to.

I WAS angry that my fiance didn't really say a lot...we fought about it later. He pointed out that he wanted to adopt too, just didn't know when it would happen, because we have to be able to provide for them first. And, he pointed out, "my mom didn't say no, she just wants you to think through the difficulties. Besides, it's not her decision to make." He added quickly.

I'll admit, I often get scared thinking of what our adopted kids might face, especially around kids we birth that look like the half-white, half-Asian babies that everyone here just LOVES....will our other children face stupid questions and statements their whole lives? Probably....just praying for the patience to be a part of changing the way Chinese culture, and especially Chinese christians, view adoption...not as a last resort, but as something that we who have been adopted by God strive to do to live out the gospel.

Side note: When I discussed the fact that we as Christians are adopted by God, she agreed. I love my m-i-l, and she really is a wonderful Christian woman...this is just an area that needs change.

Chinese Wedding

I got to attend my first Chinese wedding when my fiance's sister got married last week!

It was interesting, eye-opening, enjoyable, embarassing (as any event ought to be for a foreigner in China), and, from a personal standpoint, nice to get an idea of what I'm in for come July.

Anyhow, things I learned from the wedding.....

-I am NOT in a million years hiring one of those wedding companies that everyone in China hires....cheesy MCs (see photo below of guy in MJ-style outfit joining my fiance onstage)...I'd rather just ask someone that actually KNOWS us to do it.

-Even if people tell you, as a foreigner, that you won't have to say anything or do anything, this is never true. Always be prepared to make a speech so you won't embarrass yourself by spluttering and not knowing what to say when the MC asks you to showcase your Chinese by giving a toast to the happy couple. Also, you may have to sing/do who knows what else.

In other news, the wedding was fun because I got to meet a lot of relatives/family friends that will come to our wedding this summer (apparently because of who my fiance is and that fact that I am a foreigner, we can expect a big turnout...eeek). And, of course, took the obligatory bunch of photos with the restaurant staff who had never seen a foreigner before.

Also, I overcame 2 fears on that day....

1) Singing in front of people. Thanks to my fiance who forced me into it (with near tears on my part). As a performer, he doesn't get that while I like singing ok, I do not like people looking at me while I do it. He rather impatiently said, "Time for you to get over it...you have a beautiful voice, stop being selfish and share it with people" then announced, "My girl is going to sing now." Thanks, babe.

2) Driving in Inner Mongolia. It was terrifying, and I did use my white face to get a cut-in through the traffic...but, we made it home (ok, it was only like a half-mile, but still...harrowing).

(Here is a shot that my 姐姐took from the backseat--probably terrified--)

Back to China

Well, my fiance and I are back in China....back to reality, as they say...after a very enjoyable holiday break in the States.

The first day we got back, in order to avoid falling asleep at noon and thus prolonging jet lag, we went out to get some final stuff for the apartment...we really are almost finish, thank god....just a bit of decorating left to do...we are both pretty ready to have our own space available.

Back to the chaos of trying to get all my work visa stuff finalized, back to the chaos of getting things done in China, and back to our Chinese family (who we missed of course, but who are also a bit exhausting at times, as we were reminded when my fiance's mom started yelling at him about the floor trim we bought not being high-quality enough...exhausted he collapsed into bed and said softly, "I miss America." haha.).

I do have to say, it has been really enjoyable getting to hear him describe his observations and experiences to other Chinese friends and family...they are intrigued by some of the funniest things!

He described the American wedding traditions he observed (particularly interesting as we are planning our wedding in China), family relationships, houses, and the food. One particularly funny moment was when he was trying to explain the time difference and that China is ahead so many hours...which led someone (who shall remain nameless) to remark, "Oh yes, China time is better."

I've also been trying to help him deal with some reverse culture shock....the first days back he has struggled with seeing with new eyes how crazy stupid Chinese drivers are in our city, and how strange people are when they ask us questions sometimes....he was confused by how angry he felt at people here, and as someone who has gone back and forth between two cultures frequently, I was able to explain to him the reverse culture-shock phenomenon.

Anyhow, with more apartment work, starting the business, his sister getting married, my starting a new teaching job, and planning our own wedding, we have a lot on our plate, but also a lot to look forward to!