My first "date" with my now-fiancee was, like many things in China, done from a decidely group-think approach.
We met at work, and our first time hanging outside of work (breaking the rules, I might add, since he was the foreign teacher assisstant and wasn't supposed to date the foreign teachers...my boss had explicitly told him when I first started working there "you can't date this girl." His reply, "What if I quit?" haha, but anyway...)....yeah, first time to go out was during the May holiday when we had a four-day break from work.
We had talked about hanging out, although I was kind of thrown off when he texted inviting me to hang out with him...and his American best friend. Uh....was this like a group interview? While I was a little bit weirded out, I decided to go with the flow...had a feeling about this guy.
So, he picked me up on his motorbike (my first time riding on the back of one of those) and we headed to the mall to meet his friend. Upon meeting, my fiance's friend exclaimed "nice to finally meet you!" (implying conversation about me before).
It was an eventful few days...that day we went to a coffee shop, walked around, went to play pool and along the way encountered some friends from Xinjiang who we sat outside drinking beers with while they sang songs in Uiyghur. We went back to his friend's place and watched some movies, and I feel asleep. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, wondering where I was, and finding myself covered with his leather jacket, him sleeping beside me on the couch (not shady, I swear!).
When he woke up, we chatted quietly on the couch while his friend slept. "I feel like you're my neighbor or something." He said. "Uh, really?" "Yeah, like...I can just talk to you...like I've known you for a long time." He then proceeded to show me a card trick, which he adorably messed up multiple times while I feigned amazement.
We went to play mahjong, and at the end of the night I went to part ways, saying I was heading to the coffee shop. He came along, and we had our "dtr"/"where do you see this going" talk...initiated by him.
While dating is usually more serious to begin with in the States, his talking about the future weirdly didn't freak me out (that was not the case with a very brief previous relationship with another Chinese guy...one mention of marriage and I was closed off).
The next two days of the holiday we went out with coworkers, had our first kiss (best one I've ever had), and more. While it was the most random experience letting our first date turn into a 3 day event, I'm glad I went with the flow on that one....
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Intentions
Well, to be perfectly honest, I would say my Chinese fiancee and I need couples counseling, but, as that is not so much an option here....we are trying to figure things out ourselves (prayer appreciated!).
One of our big issues has been the problems of understanding each other's intentions and ways of expressing love....
For example, I am an American, and while I never considered myself a particularly romantic girl, compared to some Chinese men, I suppose I am. I want heart connection, and keeping your word above all else...and respect. I express myself by spending time together, remembering things, giving gifts.
My fiancee, as is typical for many Chinese men, is concerned with the practical. He expects that I should realize how much he loves me by all that he is doing to prepare for the future (working on our apartment, etc). Of course, when we are having heart connection issues, I could care less about all that practical stuff.
I do consider myself blessed that compared to some cultural standards, he is fairly verbally expressive with his feelings...however, the flipside is also true...when he is upset, his words can be incredibly wounding. Whereas my fingers are incredibly wounding (hello, pinching when upset...mature I know).
Of course, like couples anywhere, we are selfish and....stubborn. While from what I have read about birth order, a youngest child male and eldest child female are supposed to be one of the most ideal pairings....I have found it to be kind of hard. He is kind of used to not having to try too hard to get some things he wants, whereas I am also somewhat bossy and, I'll admit it, think I am always right.
He also gets upset when I question how much he loves me or why he would do something that hurts me. And granted, I could do with practicing forgiveness a bit more (I am having ample opportunity to practice recently). Likewise, I get upset when he doesn't respond to my questions with reassurance. Sigh. Relationships are hard work, and especially when you have cultural differences.
On a lighter note, I think learning to deal with some things with humor helps a bit....for example, when I share about some of our arguments and adventures, some friends have said it would make an excellent reality tv show. The mere aspect of western woman engaged to Chinese man living in mainland China is apparently interesting in and of itself.
Scene: Bedroom. It's the evening, and our two characters are arguing/discussing some disappointments/lack of understanding.
Julie, an emotional, somewhat fiery and stubborn American girl is pissed with Long, a typical insensitive guy.
Julie (hissing): You...are...soooo.....rude!
She huffs, and attempts to dramatically fling herself onto her bed, unfortunately missing the bed and hitting her head extremely hard on the wall.
She crumples to the bed, clutching her head, and commences sobbing like a four-year-old child.
Long: are you ok? Here, let me give you a head massage.
Does so, then falls asleep while doing so. Cue loud snoring from Long and venomous looks from Julie.
:)
One of our big issues has been the problems of understanding each other's intentions and ways of expressing love....
For example, I am an American, and while I never considered myself a particularly romantic girl, compared to some Chinese men, I suppose I am. I want heart connection, and keeping your word above all else...and respect. I express myself by spending time together, remembering things, giving gifts.
My fiancee, as is typical for many Chinese men, is concerned with the practical. He expects that I should realize how much he loves me by all that he is doing to prepare for the future (working on our apartment, etc). Of course, when we are having heart connection issues, I could care less about all that practical stuff.
I do consider myself blessed that compared to some cultural standards, he is fairly verbally expressive with his feelings...however, the flipside is also true...when he is upset, his words can be incredibly wounding. Whereas my fingers are incredibly wounding (hello, pinching when upset...mature I know).
Of course, like couples anywhere, we are selfish and....stubborn. While from what I have read about birth order, a youngest child male and eldest child female are supposed to be one of the most ideal pairings....I have found it to be kind of hard. He is kind of used to not having to try too hard to get some things he wants, whereas I am also somewhat bossy and, I'll admit it, think I am always right.
He also gets upset when I question how much he loves me or why he would do something that hurts me. And granted, I could do with practicing forgiveness a bit more (I am having ample opportunity to practice recently). Likewise, I get upset when he doesn't respond to my questions with reassurance. Sigh. Relationships are hard work, and especially when you have cultural differences.
On a lighter note, I think learning to deal with some things with humor helps a bit....for example, when I share about some of our arguments and adventures, some friends have said it would make an excellent reality tv show. The mere aspect of western woman engaged to Chinese man living in mainland China is apparently interesting in and of itself.
Scene: Bedroom. It's the evening, and our two characters are arguing/discussing some disappointments/lack of understanding.
Julie, an emotional, somewhat fiery and stubborn American girl is pissed with Long, a typical insensitive guy.
Julie (hissing): You...are...soooo.....rude!
She huffs, and attempts to dramatically fling herself onto her bed, unfortunately missing the bed and hitting her head extremely hard on the wall.
She crumples to the bed, clutching her head, and commences sobbing like a four-year-old child.
Long: are you ok? Here, let me give you a head massage.
Does so, then falls asleep while doing so. Cue loud snoring from Long and venomous looks from Julie.
:)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Update
My apologies for the lack of posting recently...I've had some ideas for posts, and will be working on those....to be honest, my fiance and I are going through some rocky times....we're struggling through it, and in the midst of trials still finding sweet moments...more to come on some of that later.
For now, here is a pic of my Chinese hottie. And yes, those of you familiar with regions of China will realize he looks like he is from Xinjiang (but he isn't).
For now, here is a pic of my Chinese hottie. And yes, those of you familiar with regions of China will realize he looks like he is from Xinjiang (but he isn't).
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