Realities of Family Life in China

I will be honest, a lot of those horror stories you hear about the Chinese mother/mother-in-law....absolutely true. I really and truly do consider myself blessed that my Chinese m-i-l is a kind, Christian woman....however, I will readily admit that she still drives me up the wall sometimes...mostly related to some very, very traditional ways of doing things that most young people in China don't agree with, but tolerate because of the idea of filial piety.

As we prepare for marriage, I have been very careful to assert with my fiance that we will NOT be following the traditional Chinese way of relating to parents. Of course we will respect his mother and listen to her (within reason), she is (mostly) a very wise woman. However, I have also point-blank told him that I HAVE to know that when it comes down to my feelings versus his mother's, that he is going to stand with me. Since I expressed concern about this, he has been very good about standing with me even on the small things, but sometimes things are still difficult for me...because honestly, I am an impatient American and don't want to take the time to HAVE to listen to some of the unwanted advice, even if we are just going to ignore it later....especially when he says he will just talk to his mom and explain if we want to do something differently than her...in my mind I don't believe that we should have to take the time to do that.

This frustration comes very much into play with trying to make decisions about what we will do for business. We have our own ideas, but my fiance is somewhat prone to changing them when he receives business advice from others. This frustrates me, but I do recognize that most of it frustrates me mostly because I am VERY American in my tendency to want to do things independently.

Somewhere in the middle is probably the best balance...after all, it's foolish to ignore wise advice, but at some point, you just can't take it ALL in....you have to make decisions as a couple.

The group-think mindset here is probably my number-one cultural frustration. Some of the espoused reasons for this are good....family unity, etc....except that in reality, families here have just as many issues as families anywhere....and oftentimes, more deep-seated bitterness and frustration.

So there you go, an honest assessment of something that is a difficulty about Chinese-American cultural interactions. More to come on some of the specificities about what is different about family relationships...

Engagement

A few weeks ago, I changed my facebook status to "Engaged"....knowing full well, the outpouring of excitement and perhaps surprise from many that didn't know much if anything about my relationship. The funny thing was...while we in the U.S. put a lot of emphasis on engagement as the moment he gives a fancy proposal and hands you a diamond ring, in China...things are different. No fancy proposal, no ring (yet, that comes as part of the wedding preparation....in addition to which you apparently also get a diamond necklace and bracelet...whoa!).

In fact, my fiance and I have been discussing marriage and confirming that we are like-minded since very, very early in the relationship. In fact, during our first sit-down talk at a coffee shop when we had JUST started dating, he told me he didn't want to freak me out, but that he saw it all with me...ordinarily that WOULD freak me out (in fact, it has before with people I thought I wanted to start dating, then once they made similiar committed statements, I freaked out). But, from the beginning, there has been the "feeling" that I often heard people describe and rolled my eyes out....I just knew we were supposed to be together, although I initially took a bit longer than him to get comfortable officially moving in that direction. We' are just hitting the five-month mark of officially dating, and it used to be that I would have considered us moving WAY too fast....except, with him...it just is right.

We still have some time till marriage (next year is the plan, we haven't even set a date yet....still focusing on our return trip to America for him to meet my family). Some people have also gotten the mistaken impression (only if they haven't talked to me about my relationship) that I am in some fuzzy, love-clouded impulsive decision-making mode....that is the furthest thing from the truth...we have fought SO much. About typical things, but also about things most couples don't have to argue about relating to our different cultures.

All that to say, he calls me his "beyonce" "viance" or sometimes when he remember the English correctly, "fiancee", and tells everyone we are getting married next year. We are engaged, but I don't have the flashy ring photos (yet) or amazing proposal story. In fact, we confirmed that we were going to get married in the midst of a rather tense argument. Awkward and yet kind of romantic in a weird way, as I sort of hissed at him "Yessss, I want to marry you." with a glare.

Anyways, this period for us is actually pretty rocky, but nowhere along the way have we questioned our commitment to each other and doing life together...we've just had some intense pressures to overcome.

When I want to kill him for doing something stupid, or doing something differently than I would....when I feel so overwhelmed by some of the pressures facing us (more to come on that later)...I still feel incredibly blessed and see God's hand in putting us together. We're both learning, both growing, and I feel doubly blessed in spite of the double challenges to have a husband prepared for me in a country different than that of my birth.

Chinese Health Advice

As anyone who lives in China knows, their ideas about health/cures for sickness are just a bit different than those in the West. They prize their health here, and are very focused on keeping everything in the body balanced....all the while eating really oily foods and smoking away...but anyway....I do not discount all of the ideas I encounter here, because, hey, China has a long history...there may be some truth to some of their long-held practices....however, as a Westerner, I am easily annoyed by the things that interfere with some of my own habits.

For example:

-Don't drink cold water...or cold anything. Girls especially. If you drink cold water...you will die. OR at least have any number of horrible health problems. Or, as my Chinese soon-to-be mother-in-law told me this morning, "If you want to have kids, don't drink cold water." I bit my tongue and didn't respond like I wanted, which was to say that Americans drink cold things all the time, and, somehow, we have still managed to reproduce.

-Animals are bad for your health. Don't keep them close to you, you will get diseases. Now, this belief is actually becoming less common as pets become more and more popular here in China...but, once again, this is what my m-i-l thinks. We then gently informed her we were planning to get a big dog in addition to the dog I already have (actually we are planning to get two, but...we'll break it to her slowly).

This leads into another interesting, and, to me, horrifying collection of practices surrounding pregnancy, childbirth, and babies. This whole process has a BUNCH of rules, none of which I intend to follow when I reach that stage in life. These include:
-being confined to your bed for one month after giving birth. For real...NO MOVEMENT.
-no showering for that same amount of time (hell no)
-eating a bunch of things I don't want to eat
-not eating a bunch of things I do want to eat
-And, once again, not being around animals/letting them around your baby (this includes all of pregnancy)

Now, some people I know do not follow these quite so religiously, however, many people still hold these to be true, and my m-i-l, while a sweet woman, is very, very traditional in some aspects...particularly concerning health.

Once again, I don't mean to come across as condescending towards Chinese medicine/health practices, but, once again, as a foreigner, these are a few of the things that are weird/not tolerable to me.

Anyone else encountered any interesting health beliefs here in the middle kingdom?

Facing New Realities

Most days, as I may have mentioned before, I don't dwell on the fact that I am in a relationship with a Chinese guy. I am in a relationship, that's that. But recently, as we move closer to bigger steps and a permanent future together, the realities of what life as a foreign wife/mother in China have begun to sink in. Most days, it's interesting and alright. While my boyfriend and I are constantly reminded of what an anomaly we are, we don't care. But, as someone who tends to overthink things at times/deal with anxiety by letting it quietly build, I found myself collapsing in tears one day when my boyfriend teased me about forgetting to make spaghetti like I'd promised the day before.

Classic example of "he said, she hears", magnified by my stress over the prospect of spending a lifetime as a wife in China who is not Chinese/still clueless about Chinese household management.

Boyfriend: You forgot didn't you. If I wasn't reminding you now, you wouldn't make it.
Me: I remembered, I just forgot to buy beef, that's why I didn't make it for lunch...I can make it for dinner.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but admit it, you forgot.
Me: (bursts into tears)
Boyfriend: (stares at me bewildered, then quickly blurts out as many men have learned to do, "I'm sorry, I'm such a jerk sometimes")
Me: (continue with the silent treatment and sob for another hour until his mom peeps in, asks what's wrong, then whacks him for making me cry).

So, that was what he said, but in my fragile, on-edge emotional state, I heard: "You are a complete failure as a girlfriend, and are going to be a failure as a wife." Not at all what he was saying, but yeah...

Later that night I started to sniffle again, feeling overwhelmed and lonely. My boyfriend heard me and got up. He sighed (doesn't usually respond well to tears). "What's wrong with you?" This escalated into a very confusing conversation in which I tried to articulate all my fears about not knowing how to respond to a Chinese mother-in-law, to parenting in China , to how lonely I felt sometimes because I didn't have anyone going through a similiar thing to talk to, to how I felt homesick and was dealing with culture stress because I still hate being stared at...to how people always talked about me right in front of me, as if I were a zoo animal....needless to say, it was a long conversation, and my boyfriend wasn't really understanding (all he heard was "I'm not happy...being with you is misery.", which is not what I was trying to communicate...I finally sputtered "of course I'm happy with you, I love you, but I need you to be a friend to me sometimes, listen, and give me a hug, not just get mad because you don't know how to fix these things!").

We continued to talk, with me sputtering and him getting irritated, until I finally was able to articulate with the statement. "I love you. I know I want to be with you. It's just that I think the reality just hit me that I'm not going to be in China for just a few years, I'm going to be here forever, and there are some things that I will have to give up. " He was quiet for a moment, then whispered, "I'm really selfish sometimes. When you said that....I never thought about how much you will have to give up."

The conversation continued after that (until like 2 a.m., poor guy), and things have been better, but I am realizing there are some things I do need to talk through as we prepare for marriage. And, any of you fellow bloggers with similiar experiences out there, of course would love to hear from you as well!

Issues that are difficult include:

-Being American I am not very tolerant to the constant unwanted opinions/advice that are given me even by people I don't know well. How does that translate into merging into my Chinese family/raising my own kids? I told my bf outright I wouldn't be able to tolerate people telling me how to raise my own kids.
-The fact  that raising kids in China, even though we will raise them to be bilingual, means that Chinese will be more of their mother-tongue...and they won't be growing up in the culture I am familiar with, which makes me feel at a slight parenting disadvantage.
-Sadness over the fact that we are distant from my family (of course grateful for this age of e-communications)

Even though kids are still at least a couple of years in the future for us, we're looking at marriage next year, and are finishing our apartment (a necessity for marriage in China) in the next few weeks. I think it's really important to be on the same page for those things.

To end on a positive note, any relationship has its challenges, we just have some different ones than most people. It's the really sweet moments that remind me how exceptionally blessed I am in spite of exceptional challenges. I was praying with my bf and his mom before bed one night (his mom is a woman of great Christian faith). She prayed in earnest before God, "Thank you for sending Julie to us from so far away, I'm so happy. Bless these young people." She also added "And God I really hope that her parents will like my son as much as I like Julie." So cute.