We Made It!

After a long, confusing, and at times tearful process we managed to make it to the U.S. with a tourist visa for my fiance! I am so thankful for the blessing of being able to spend the holidays with my family and him together!

We've been back for a week, and so far, we have both gotten a little fatter, and finally beaten jet lag.

Notable moments for my fiance:
-using a water fountain for the first time
-going to see "Lincoln" with me....what a good sport! The 19th century is hard enough for native English speakers to understand...but he was intrigued by the story of Lincoln.
-thrift stores. A new concept for him, and very exciting...he has bought a lot of shoes.
-Sonic fast food. Sadly, this is his favorite food so far. That and Garden Salsa Sun Chips, haha.
-He enjoyed going to church and prayer group with my family, although for someone that comes from the Chinese church network, he was shocked by the size and niceness of our building.

Things that have been hard for him:
-he had a hard time adjusting the first couple of days, because while he regularly speaks English with me and his American best friend, he found it frustrating that he couldn't communicate as quickly and fluently as he'd like with average Americans he met...he said he finally understood my frustration with not being able to communicate my precise meaning in Chinese.
-Unfortunately while listening to the radio one morning, we heard some radio DJs do a very racist bit about Chinese people. While he didn't understand most of it, he observed how embarrassed I was, and that I murmured "racist".

Anyways, we will be here in Texas until January. Since being home, I have:
-dyed my hair blonde (it was on my Bucket List, I've never gone blonde)
-gone to Target multiple times
-enjoyed the firewall-free internet here :-)

Overseas Arrest

It still seems unreal that this is an experience I can say I have had overseas now...
It was time for me to do another visa run this week, so I headed to Hong Kong. Getting there was in and of itself exhausting because in spite of the fact that we thought we had everything in order with my boy's visa to HK, they wouldn't let him leave at first.

Anyways, upon our arrival late one night, we headed to the hostel I had booked online. I have never really had a problem with hostels I booked, especially through a website like hostelbookers.

I won't reveal all the details here, but let's just say this hostel ended up taking all our money and not giving us the room we had booked. We tried to resolve the situation, and the hostel managers wouldn't do a thing. While I will readily admit it wasn't a wise thing to do, I punched him in the face once in the heat of the argument. Keep in mind this was a man, and much taller than me.

I ended up in jail with assault charges. Part of this was because one of the police officers was friends with one of the hostel managers...shady eh?

It was crazy. 2 nights in jail overseas, and  I used my call to the U.S. Consulate and informed them that I was worried I would be treated too harshly because of the relationship of the police officer to the hostel manager. While at first most of the police officers treated me professionally (many of them really were nice), after that things changed...the chief of police was an asshole (pardon my French) and even sent me from the holding cell to actual prison for the night after that. None of my requests were met when I asked. They did briefly let me see my boyfriend.

I entered my plea in court, and was incredibly grateful when the judge didn't even give me a fine (which is what the lawyer thought would happen), just gave me a suspended prison sentence (meaning I don't have to serve if no other incidents happen in Hong Kong for the next year).

It was crazy...I just kept thinking, "I don't belong here....what is going on?" It was crazy. And I now understand why prison is so awful. It really messes with your head...if I had had to stay longer than two nights, I think I would have gone crazy...literally. Especially overseas...it was very difficult to get anyone to tell me what was going on.

And my poor fiance slept on the street/at the police station. He told me he was going crazy, trying to get information and praying so hard. I know that his prayers are why my sentence wasn't harsher. But the poor guy didn't understand the English when they talked about a suspended sentence...so he thought I was going to prison. When the court worker informed him I was fine and would be released, he started to cry, and then the court worker, seeing his tears, started crying too, he said. When I was released (pretty quickly after that due to the fact that there was no fine to pay), he threw his arms around me and started to sob (I have never seen my fiance cry). I was crying and shaking...a bit of a physical toll from not eating/drinking/seeing sunlight.

One interesting thing was, that of most of the other people I saw who had been arrested by the HKPD...most were foreigners. All the girls were...the poor mainland Chinese girl in the cell with me was so scared...we conversed in Mandarin (I was grateful, my Cantonese is awful).

Anyways, so there you go...an experience I don't recommend. I've been pretty lighthearted in talking about it, after all, part of it is so ridiculous. But, in actuality, it was a frightening experience that I may need to get some counseling to work through.

Children in China

As I sat with my fiancee at lunch, we made eyes at a cute baby at the table across from us.

"I think we're gonna have a daughter as our first child. What about you? What do you want for the first one?"
"Uh, either is ok with me."

"Yeah...I think a girl is good...or no, maybe a boy, then he can protect the girl later."

"Girls are actually more scary and protective sometimes." I pointed out.

This turned to a discussion about his own experience in childhood. He has 2 older sisters (rather uncommon for that generation in China), and his parents had that many kids because they were still trying for a son.

He readily admits that his mom focused on him, not the sisters. This aspect of his upbringing comes up a lot (especially when we are fighting). It's still shocking to me at times the super old-fashioned thought that still comes into play here....it's good that we are on the same page about how unhealthy/stupid/messed up that is.

He doesn't particularly appreciate all the focus being on him anyways at times...it means added pressure simply because he is the son in the family. As a girl, I also pick up on some of the resentment from his sisters (especially one).

Times are changing in China, and the way that people think is slowly changing too, but some things aren't changing quickly enough in my independent American mind....of course, while this doesn't mean that parents don't love their daughters, the male focus brings me much bewilderment....

Happy Halloween!

This Halloween my good friend Rachel and I did a Halloween party with our local friends...like many Western holidays, people are familiar with the name, but often unfamiliar with why/how we celebrate.

Although I very much resent the Twilight series and the whole vampire obsession...I only had a brief amount of time to throw together a costume, and vampire was the easiest/cheapest. My boyfriend didn't dress up (and right before this picture/possibly afterward we had a huge fight, hence the added angry expression/vampiric eyes...my eyes look pretty scary after I cry).

Another thing that is fun is that many Chinese friends are eager to try out anything that is a Western tradition, thus most people were pretty good sports about sticking their faces in a pail of water (bobbing for apples). :-)

I definitely miss Halloween parties in the States, with all the creative costumes and fun, but it was fun getting to introduce my local friends to some Halloween fun!

First Date

My first "date" with my now-fiancee was, like many things in China, done from a decidely group-think approach.

We met at work, and our first time hanging outside of work (breaking the rules, I might add, since he was the foreign teacher assisstant and wasn't supposed to date the foreign teachers...my boss had explicitly told him when I first started working there "you can't date this girl." His reply, "What if I quit?" haha, but anyway...)....yeah, first time to go out was during the May holiday when we had a four-day break from work.

We had talked about hanging out, although I was kind of thrown off when he texted inviting me to hang out with him...and his American best friend. Uh....was this like a group interview? While I was a little bit weirded out, I decided to go with the flow...had a feeling about this guy.

So, he picked me up on his motorbike (my first time riding on the back of one of those) and we headed to the mall to meet his friend. Upon meeting, my fiance's friend exclaimed "nice to finally meet you!" (implying conversation about me before).

It was an eventful few days...that day we went to a coffee shop, walked around, went to play pool and along the way encountered some friends from Xinjiang who we sat outside drinking beers with while they sang songs in Uiyghur. We went back to his friend's place and watched some movies, and I feel asleep. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, wondering where I was, and finding myself covered with his leather jacket, him sleeping beside me on the couch (not shady, I swear!).

When he woke up, we chatted quietly on the couch while his friend slept. "I feel like you're my neighbor or something." He said. "Uh, really?" "Yeah, like...I can just talk to you...like I've known you for a long time." He then proceeded to show me a card trick, which he adorably messed up multiple times while I feigned amazement.

We went to play mahjong, and at the end of the night I went to part ways, saying I was heading to the coffee shop. He came along, and we had our "dtr"/"where do you see this going" talk...initiated by him.

While dating is usually more serious to begin with in the States, his talking about the future weirdly didn't freak me out (that was not the case with a very brief previous relationship with another Chinese guy...one mention of marriage and I was closed off).

The next two days of the holiday we went out with coworkers, had our first kiss (best one I've ever had), and more. While it was the most random experience letting our first date turn into a 3 day event, I'm glad I went with the flow on that one....

Intentions

Well, to be perfectly honest, I would say my Chinese fiancee and I need couples counseling, but, as that is not so much an option here....we are trying to figure things out ourselves (prayer appreciated!).

One of our big issues has been the problems of understanding each other's intentions and ways of expressing love....

For example, I am an American, and while I never considered myself a particularly romantic girl, compared to some Chinese men, I suppose I am. I want heart connection, and keeping your word above all else...and respect. I express myself by spending time together, remembering things, giving gifts.

My fiancee, as is typical for many Chinese men, is concerned with the practical. He expects that I should realize how much he loves me by all that he is doing to prepare for the future (working on our apartment, etc). Of course, when we are having heart connection issues, I could care less about all that practical stuff.

I do consider myself blessed that compared to some cultural standards, he is fairly verbally expressive with his feelings...however, the flipside is also true...when he is upset, his words can be incredibly wounding. Whereas my fingers are incredibly wounding (hello, pinching when upset...mature I know).

Of course, like couples anywhere, we are selfish and....stubborn. While from what I have read about birth order, a youngest child male and eldest child female are supposed to be one of the most ideal pairings....I have found it to be kind of hard. He is kind of used to not having to try too hard to get some things he wants, whereas I am also somewhat bossy and, I'll admit it, think I am always right.

He also gets upset when I question how much he loves me or why he would do something that hurts me. And granted, I could do with practicing forgiveness a bit more (I am having ample opportunity to practice recently). Likewise, I get upset when he doesn't respond to my questions with reassurance. Sigh. Relationships are hard work, and especially when you have cultural differences.

On a lighter note, I think learning to deal with some things with humor helps a bit....for example, when I share about some of our arguments and adventures, some friends have said it would make an excellent reality tv show. The mere aspect of western woman engaged to Chinese man living in mainland China is apparently interesting in and of itself.

Scene: Bedroom. It's the evening, and our two characters are arguing/discussing some disappointments/lack of understanding.
Julie, an emotional, somewhat fiery and stubborn American girl is pissed with Long, a typical insensitive guy.
Julie (hissing): You...are...soooo.....rude!
She huffs, and attempts to dramatically fling herself onto her bed, unfortunately missing the bed and hitting her head extremely hard on the wall.
She crumples to the bed, clutching her head, and commences sobbing like a four-year-old child.
Long: are you ok? Here, let me give you a head massage.
Does so, then falls asleep while doing so. Cue loud snoring from Long and venomous looks from Julie.

:)

Update

My apologies for the lack of posting recently...I've had some ideas for posts, and will be working on those....to be honest, my fiance and I are going through some rocky times....we're struggling through it, and in the midst of trials still finding sweet moments...more to come on some of that later.

For now, here is a pic of my Chinese hottie. And yes, those of you familiar with regions of China will realize he looks like he is from Xinjiang (but he isn't).