Wedding To-Dos

Well, wedding planning in China is not actually as involved as it can be in the States...after all, people tend to do the same thing...find a hotel, hire a wedding company, get some photos and clothes, show up and party with your guests.

For us, it's been a bit more complicated, because we hate the way wedding companies typically do things in China...so we have been seeking to do our own style Chinese-American, Christian wedding (also not that common here).

First, we wanted to find a place that wasn't the typical hideous banquet room with pillars idiotically placed throughout the room so that views of the proceedings are BLOCKED (I swear, 99% of rooms we looked at were like that).

It turns out, after desperately praying on the way home from yet another frustrating outing trying to secure a place, we stopped on a whim at a resort building shaped like a Mongolian yurt. I was skeptical, because, first of all, we aren't Mongolian, and the outside looked a bit cheesy. To our shock, the inside of the room was unique and very well designed. The sales rep told us it had been designed after a theater. Not too big, not too small..ideal really. AND right outside the door? The park with a great place to do the outdoor wedding vows part we had imagined. They had done it before too (outdoor weddings are almost unheard of here in Hohhot due to unpredictable weather and lack of suitable venues).
It's a tad bit expensive, but we are in the process of bargaining down (and whoring ourselves out as a Chinese-American international wedding that will bring their resort good publicity). Whew, huge relief.

Next up?

1) Arranging the details of the wedding...performers, who will do our vows, how to honor God through our proceedings and meld some Chinese traditions I love with American ones I treasure.

2) Wedding clothes. At Chinese weddings, the bride usually wears TWO dresses nowadays....a white one to greet guests (white Western-style), and a red one (Chinese tradition) to toast with guests in. So yes, I must find TWO perfect dresses....considering I will be wearing each for short periods of time, I don't want to pay much...but unfortunately many of the options here remind me of bad 80s prom dresses. Or Little Bo Peep.

3)Take the pre-wedding portraits. This usually entails dressing in really strange clothing, posing in really cheesy ways, and getting photos printed with random Chinglish or Korean characters on them. We did book some portraits, but asked to do most of ours outside, and without all the cheesy details. It should be interesting...they also gave us a slight discount because they had never photographed a foreigner/Chinese couple.

4) Figure out if we can afford a honeymoon at the time we have vacation this summer, and where is a place my husband can easily get a visa to (as an American, I can travel to most places easily...he, as a Chinese citizen, doesn't have the same luxury...so annoying).

5) Arrange things for all our foreigner guests! (that will be the fun part of planning)

All that to say, any ideas and suggestions welcome!

Married!

Well, after the last few slightly negative posts, I do have some happy news to share....we finally got our marriage certificate (结婚证) , which means we are now legally married!

We have been able to work a lot of things out, and after realizing I was suffering from a rather intense bout with depression, acknowledging, asking for help, and lots of prayer is helping me work through it...while getting the marriage certificate was a lot more mafan (trouble) than we expected and we had to deal with a minor incident involving corruption in the government office we needed to work with, everything worked out and we are happy to be officially married...now we are focusing on the rather last-minute planning of our celebration this summer!

 

(here it is! 9 yuan to get both our copies..haha)

 

The day after we got it, people started referring to my "husband" and he first introduced me to someone as his "妻子“ (wife). The whole thing has been confusing for all the foreigners who know us, who are unsure as to whether we are married now or will be married in July. The best answer? We are married now, and July is just the Chinese way of celebrating.

 

This whole getting married in China thing is waaaay different all around, through the whole process, than anything I expected when I was younger and thought of what my wedding would be like. But then, I never expected to meet a Chinese husband and live in China...never in a million years did I think that would happen actually....it wasn't on my radar. But I do love the fact that God always takes me to the most unexpected places, and while it has been far more challenging than I would have expected, I also consider myself unusually blessed.

 

So, while I will wear the pretty dresses and tell our story in front of family and friends in a couple of months, I'm grateful to be legally tied to the person I've already committed before God to. As my hubby happily mused today, "Our God is really amazing...to put us two out of the whole world together."

 

I'm thankful.



Crazy M-I-L

Well, while I thought things had settled into a relatively good, if slightly annoying, relationship with my mother-in-law, things took a turn when she basically went off the deep end last night and sent me a couple of reallllllly mean text messages. All because my fiance and I are trying to figure out what to do about the dog (and yes, arguing about it).

She said a LOT of things, among them were that I was bullying her son by having a dog, and that it wasn't clean, and that I didn't clean the house enough (we clean like every day), and that I don't use my  my time well every day (never mind that I have a job and relationships that I try to invest in, or that I just bought her son a motorbike with my salary so that he could go find a job more conveniently). And that, by Chinese standards, I was bad.

She uses the fact that we're both Christians as an excuse to say things "because it's because she cares" when in fact it's none of her business. In fact, she just wants things to be her way. In my opinion, it's because she doesn't have a job, or even a hobby, and all that's left for her to do is sit around and worry about everything.

Anyways, prayer and advice appreciated. I basically gave my fiance an ultimatum last night, which is, if he wants the relationship to work, we need to sell this house that is right upstairs from her and move somewhere else. ....

Rough Times

As anyone who spends time as an expat in China for a long period of time will probably confess, there are "bad China days". Now, probably only my fellow long-term expats will be able to relate with precision to what I'm talking about, but I'll try my best to explain it for everyone.

Basically, it's a time when you may feel burned out on your life in China. Events can trigger or worsen the feeling.

Even on a good day, life in China is at least ten times more complicated for an expat than life in their own home culture is. From the  constant staring (if you live outside of a big city like Beijing or Shanghai), stupid comments that you may hear if you can understand Chinese, or just the inconvenience of living in a country that is still less developed than many Western countries...there are many things that can be very tiring about living in China.

PAUSE: I am NOT writing this post to bash China...there are sooooo many things I love about China.....but on a day when you feel overwhelmed or hurt, unfortunately allllll the negative thoughts may come flooding through your brain.

Anyways....I've been having a series of bad China days for the past month...trying very hard to break out of them by appreciating my dear Chinese friends and all the things I love about China...but the truth is, I haven't felt like writing because I've felt so discouraged and just plain tired of being here.

It's been added to by the pressures of starting my new job (which is a pretty good job, just a lot of frustrations with dealing with the administration at the school), and some struggles my fiance and I are having.

It's been really multiplied the past few days because unfortunately while I've been busy with my new job, my dog has also started shedding...there is dog hair everywhere no matter how much we sweep, and now my fiance's family is giving pressure for me to get rid of the dog. To be honest, as much as I appreciate his family, I am SICK of living upstairs from them, and really sick of traditional society to be honest.

(sign at my school)

As an independent Christian American woman, I feel like I have so many things in life that I worry about more than housework, my appearance, or when I will have a baby....but it seems to be all anyone else can talk about.

I do realize that I am overreacting, and that people ask about those things because it's all they know to talk about, and a lot of people are genuinely anxious for us to have a baby (although that will not be influencing my timing AT ALL...we aren't even officially married yet people!).

For those of you who have lived abroad, how do you handle those days when all you want to do is run home?

Adoption

I had a hard day yesterday...for several reasons I was feeling sensitive already, and I was very discouraged by a conversation with my m-i-l after brunch...we were sitting around, and after giving me a lecture on all the precautions I needed to take while pregnant/after giving birth (SIDENOTE: I AM NOT PREGNANT, AND I AM NOT PLANNING TO BE IN THE NEAR FUTURE), she said (as many do), "Have a son and a daughter....that will be perfect. How many children do you want Julie?"

Ignoring how stupid I find the comment "have one son and one daughter", I answered I'd like to have two and adopt two...four kids. My fiance and I have discussed this in depth, were seemingly on the same page. When I first shared with him the passion God has given me for adopting children who need a home, he said admiringly, "all my ex-girlfriends ever cared about was what they were going to wear or eat or do for fun".

Anyhow, when I shared this with my m-i-l, she was not particularly supportive...taking care of orphans in general, she is supportive of, as a Christian, but the concept of adoption if you are able to have your own kids is still a bit new in China, and seen as strange, especially by the older generation.

A few of the incredibly dumb things she said:
"Just give money to help poor people. That's doing enough." I then gamely tried to explain that this is something I feel God desires us to do, and that if all the self-professing Christians would take God's charge to care for orphans seriously, there wouldn't be any more orphans. I also told her point-blank that adoption is especially needed in China, where many orphanages are awful places.

She also said
"Such mafan....you have to feed them, clothe them, give them a place to live...."
At that point I left to go drink tea and journal....couldn't listen anymore...I wasn't angry, just frustrated with how ignorant and small-minded the things she was saying were....after all, what a stupid thing to say....adopting children means they ARE your kids, of course you feed them, clothe them, give them a place to live...same as you would children we gave birth to.

I WAS angry that my fiance didn't really say a lot...we fought about it later. He pointed out that he wanted to adopt too, just didn't know when it would happen, because we have to be able to provide for them first. And, he pointed out, "my mom didn't say no, she just wants you to think through the difficulties. Besides, it's not her decision to make." He added quickly.

I'll admit, I often get scared thinking of what our adopted kids might face, especially around kids we birth that look like the half-white, half-Asian babies that everyone here just LOVES....will our other children face stupid questions and statements their whole lives? Probably....just praying for the patience to be a part of changing the way Chinese culture, and especially Chinese christians, view adoption...not as a last resort, but as something that we who have been adopted by God strive to do to live out the gospel.

Side note: When I discussed the fact that we as Christians are adopted by God, she agreed. I love my m-i-l, and she really is a wonderful Christian woman...this is just an area that needs change.

Chinese Wedding

I got to attend my first Chinese wedding when my fiance's sister got married last week!

It was interesting, eye-opening, enjoyable, embarassing (as any event ought to be for a foreigner in China), and, from a personal standpoint, nice to get an idea of what I'm in for come July.

Anyhow, things I learned from the wedding.....

-I am NOT in a million years hiring one of those wedding companies that everyone in China hires....cheesy MCs (see photo below of guy in MJ-style outfit joining my fiance onstage)...I'd rather just ask someone that actually KNOWS us to do it.

-Even if people tell you, as a foreigner, that you won't have to say anything or do anything, this is never true. Always be prepared to make a speech so you won't embarrass yourself by spluttering and not knowing what to say when the MC asks you to showcase your Chinese by giving a toast to the happy couple. Also, you may have to sing/do who knows what else.

In other news, the wedding was fun because I got to meet a lot of relatives/family friends that will come to our wedding this summer (apparently because of who my fiance is and that fact that I am a foreigner, we can expect a big turnout...eeek). And, of course, took the obligatory bunch of photos with the restaurant staff who had never seen a foreigner before.

Also, I overcame 2 fears on that day....

1) Singing in front of people. Thanks to my fiance who forced me into it (with near tears on my part). As a performer, he doesn't get that while I like singing ok, I do not like people looking at me while I do it. He rather impatiently said, "Time for you to get over it...you have a beautiful voice, stop being selfish and share it with people" then announced, "My girl is going to sing now." Thanks, babe.

2) Driving in Inner Mongolia. It was terrifying, and I did use my white face to get a cut-in through the traffic...but, we made it home (ok, it was only like a half-mile, but still...harrowing).

(Here is a shot that my 姐姐took from the backseat--probably terrified--)

Back to China

Well, my fiance and I are back in China....back to reality, as they say...after a very enjoyable holiday break in the States.

The first day we got back, in order to avoid falling asleep at noon and thus prolonging jet lag, we went out to get some final stuff for the apartment...we really are almost finish, thank god....just a bit of decorating left to do...we are both pretty ready to have our own space available.

Back to the chaos of trying to get all my work visa stuff finalized, back to the chaos of getting things done in China, and back to our Chinese family (who we missed of course, but who are also a bit exhausting at times, as we were reminded when my fiance's mom started yelling at him about the floor trim we bought not being high-quality enough...exhausted he collapsed into bed and said softly, "I miss America." haha.).

I do have to say, it has been really enjoyable getting to hear him describe his observations and experiences to other Chinese friends and family...they are intrigued by some of the funniest things!

He described the American wedding traditions he observed (particularly interesting as we are planning our wedding in China), family relationships, houses, and the food. One particularly funny moment was when he was trying to explain the time difference and that China is ahead so many hours...which led someone (who shall remain nameless) to remark, "Oh yes, China time is better."

I've also been trying to help him deal with some reverse culture shock....the first days back he has struggled with seeing with new eyes how crazy stupid Chinese drivers are in our city, and how strange people are when they ask us questions sometimes....he was confused by how angry he felt at people here, and as someone who has gone back and forth between two cultures frequently, I was able to explain to him the reverse culture-shock phenomenon.

Anyhow, with more apartment work, starting the business, his sister getting married, my starting a new teaching job, and planning our own wedding, we have a lot on our plate, but also a lot to look forward to!